i am one in four
Our story is not unique.
Our story isn’t the saddest, it isn’t the most devastating, it isn’t even the worst case scenario. But our story is ours.
This isn’t the first time I’ve sat down to write about this. I started a few days after it happened; I thought “you know, everyone should know about this” and “I’m not alone.” Well, then life happens and you get in your head. You start to think “it wasn’t that bad” and “people have gone through worse.” And I was right. It didn’t kill me, so it wasn’t that bad. And I’m damn sure people have had it worse than me because I know some of them. People have also had it not as bad as me, but it doesn’t take away the significance of the situation. It doesn’t take away the fact that you are suffering the loss of a child.
Deep breath. Yes. I had a miscarriage at 9 weeks. For some people reading this that know me, this is definite news. For others, you heard the story or let me laugh-cry it out in your arms. Because that’s what I do in uncomfortable situations. I laugh-cry.
So what happened? Well, my husband and I were not trying to have a baby. We were also not, not trying. Double negative there if you remember 7th grade English.
So when my period was 2 weeks late I was in denial. There’s no way I’m pregnant. We just moved into a new place, our mother-in-law is living with us, Jamie just started a new job, and that’s just scratching the surface of the year we’ve had. A baby was the last thing on our minds. Well, three pregnancy tests later and it was on the forefront.
I’ll never forget my first doctors appointment. I wanted it to be perfect. Jamie by my side, the doctor would tell me I was coming along just fine and everything looked normal and healthy. I got on the table in that most uncomfortable position — undressed from the waist down with your legs spread open but not too open because you didn’t want to look comfortable — and she did the vaginal ultrasound. “Well, I don’t have good news. At 6 weeks we should definitely be seeing something in your uterus, and it’s just not there.”
Que the what the fucks and the why is this happening and the no you’ve got to be wrong.
She then explained to me that there were a few possible scenarios. I could have an ectopic pregnancy (a pregnancy happening outside of my uterus), I could have miscarried, or it’s just not as far along as we thought. She then explained my next steps and options I had if it was indeed ectopic. Mind spinning and hands full of paperwork, I left that supposed to be perfect doctors appointment in tears. I was not having the baby we just got so excited for.
One of my next steps was two days of bloodwork — she wanted to test my HCG levels. So before leaving and then two days after, I had to get blood drawn. Basically if my HCG levels drop within the two days, then I had a miscarriage; if they rise just slightly (less than double) then it’s ectopic, and if the levels double, my pregnancy is still viable and just wasn’t as far along as a typical timeline.
Boy were those the longest 3 days of my life. So by 11am the morning after the second test I couldn’t wait anymore; I had to know. When I finally got her on the phone she explained to me that my HCG level went from 600 to 1400. THAT’S MORE THAN DOUBLE! It was actually happening!!
I then had to go in for multiple other ultrasounds to determine how far along I really was and to make sure everything was progressing normally. By week 8 I had gone in for 2 ultrasounds and 3 vaginal ultrasounds. Luckily on the last one we were able to see and even hear the little ones heartbeat! It was such an amazing experience I couldn’t even believe it was real life. How did we get so lucky?! I remember Jamie and I sitting there in silence just listening in amazement to the thump, thump, thump. Our doctor even laughed at our silence we were still in such shock.
We went home with print-outs of what the little one looked like (if you could even make out where he or she was 🤷🏼♀️) and I couldn’t wait to show and tell our newest adventure to our family and friends.
Until I couldn’t. It was a week to the day after our last appointment that I started to get severe cramping. I was sitting on the couch watching tv and started cramping like I was on day 2 of my period. I didn’t think too much of it at the time beside hoping it would stop, so I went to bed early that night. Or at least I tried.
I started cramping like clockwork. Every hour. Every 30 minutes. Every 15 minutes. At 2am I had to get up to take a hot shower because the cramping was waking me up it was so painful. And that’s when I knew something was wrong. Bleeding is supposed to be a tell-tale sign. Passing a clot of any sort is another. But I didn’t want it to be real. I didn’t want it to happening. Again I had to go through the thought process of a potential loss.
So at 5am I emailed my doctor. Subject: Miscarriage.
I got a response back by 9am saying I needed to come in that day and that I should have called. Well yea, I should I have called, but I also didn’t want to make it real!
By 12pm our worst nightmare came true. There was nothing left.
I never loved my husband more (expect maybe on our wedding day or when he proposed) than when he hugged me in that doctors office. I cried to him like I’ve never cried before. And if you know me, I am NOT a crier. He couldn’t have been more supportable and comforting, respectful and caring. The doctor explained that there was nothing we could have done; miscarriages happen to at least one in four women and they don’t always know why. We could start trying again as soon as my cycle returned to normal. We could start trying to have another baby.
If you’ve made it this far though my story — thank you. I use writing as a therapeutic outlet but I also hope that I can help someone, somewhere going through something similar (or different) realize that they are not alone. The term “miscarriage” carries a very negative connotation and it can feel very lonely if you can’t or aren’t able to talk about it. Just know it is not your fault. You are perfect just the way you are. And although so many people hate this phrase, everything truly does happen for a reason.
